Graduation

Sa wakas, natanggap ko na rin ang aking grad school diploma. At dahil sa isang pamantasang pang-Katoliko ako nagtapos ay nakatanggap din ako ng medalyang may imahe ni St. Genesius, ang santong patron ng mga aktor. Okey naman 'yong graduation ceremony. Okey din ang dalawang reception pagkatapos. (Lumamon ako nang lumamon ng napakasarap na strawberry cheesecake!) Ang hindi okey e ang pagpaalam sa mga propesor, kaklase at mga kaibigan. Iyakin kasi ako. Kaya 'yon. Naubusan talaga ako ng luha nung Sabado.

Ngayong linggo, lilipat na ako sa New York para doon muna maglagi at gumala. Doon kasi nakatira ang karamihan sa mga kaibigan kong Pinoy theater artists. Pagkatapos nun, Los Angeles uli para mag-research para sa isang dula na plano kong isulat later this year. And then, Pilipinas na! Yipeee! At ang pinakauna kong gagawin pag-uwi ko, lumamon nang lumamon ng sangkaterbang Chickenjoy! Hahahaha! Mahigit isang taon na kasi akong hindi nakakain nito. (The last time was in Los Angeles in February 2005 dahil me Jollibee branch doon.)

But the one thing that really excites me about going home is the idea na finally, makakalaro ko na ang pinakauna kong pamangkin, si ND. Ako na lang kasi sa aming magkakapatid ang hindi pa niya nakikita at nakakalaro.

Hala.

Maan d'yan.

Naiiyak na naman tuloy ako.

Basta. Malapit na 'yon. Ilang tulog na lang, ND, at magkikita na rin tayo.

Basta.

Tulad ng phoenix ...

Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahong pananahimik--salamat sa graduation requirements ng aking kursong MFA in Playwriting--e nagka-oras uli akong mag-update ng aking mga activities sa blog na ito. So here goes.

Itinanghal kamakailan lang--March 23-26--ang aking thesis play na "The Death of Memory" sa Callan Theatre dito sa D.C. Masaya ako dahil okey naman ang naging pagtanggap ng mga nanood sa palabas.

Pumasa ako sa aking comprehensives, thesis at thesis defense. Yey!

Naglipat ako ng mga gamit kamakailan lang dahil nag-expire na ang lease ng aking tinutuluyang apartment. Sa bahay ng isang kaibigan ko sa Virginia ako nakatira ngayon.

At ... pagkatapos ng tatlong taon e ga-graduate na ako sa susunod na Linggo, May 13 2006. Sobra nga akong excited kaya matagal nang handa ang aking isusuot sa araw na iyon. (I promise to post pictures. Haha!)

Winter 2006

Ay abaw, nagsimula na ang winter sa Washington, D.C. Paglabas ko kasi sa university computer center ngayon-ngayon lang ay nagsisimula nang mag-i-snow. Ang unang pumasok sa utak ko? "Dios ko, Ginuo! Tam-an man tana kaaga kadya man!"

May mga estudyanteng natuwa--may nakasalubong akong nakatawa at parang batang nagtatatakbo nang paikot-ikot--at meron naman ding hindi--isa na ako dahil naalala ko na naman ang aking traumatic na 911 trip papuntang Washington Medical Center nito lamang Enero.

Thankfully, wala akong masyadong oras para mag-isip tungkol dito. Finals week kasi ngayon kaya mistula na naman akong bangag--salamat sa galon-galon na Coke--sa walang kamatayang pagbabasa, paghahanda para sa oral presentation at pagsusulat ng kung anu-anong paper. (Sa maniwala kayo at sa hindi, labing-apat na libro tungkol sa Theater of the Absurd, buhay ni Samuel Beckett at critical essays tungkol sa dula niyang "Endgame" ang laman ng aking de-gulong na school bag. Kaybigat-bigat po! And more than this, papa'no ko raw babasahin lahat ng 'to? Hay, Ginuo!)

Kaya ... pasensya muna. Balik na muna ako sa mundo nina Hamm, Clov, Nell at Nagg. (Sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko, hindi nalalayo ang mundo ko sa kanilang mundo.)

Hay, pangabuhi kang nagaisarahanun sa Amerika!

Libreng "Harry Potter" sa Huwebes

Yey! I snagged two tickets - free! - to the Washington, D.C. premiere of Harry Potter's latest screen outing, "The Goblet of Fire." Sa Huwebes na ito kaya excited na ako. Sana maganda ... sana maganda ... sana magan ... Ay sus, Ginuo! Ang mas importanteng "sana" pala e ... sana, hindi ako makatulog habang nanonood nito. Nung isang taon kasi, tinulugan ko ang panonood ng "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azcaban" sa isang sinehan sa Times Square dahil sa sobrang pagod. To think na $12 ang binayaran namin per ticket! Boo hoo nga e. Napilitan tuloy akong bumili ng DVD copy nung pelikula. (And incidentally, "The Prisoner of Azcaban" is my most favorite of the book's movie adaptations released so far.)

On DVD's: Ilan sa mga napanood ko na nagustuhan ko lately ay ang 4 disc special edition release ng "Gone With The Wind," "Bad Education," "The House of Flying Daggers," ang season 7 ng "Friends," at ang 5 disc 25th anniversary celebration ng Saturday Night Live.

On "The House of Flying Daggers": For that kind of love, kaya ko ring pumatay at mamatay. Bakit ko raw dinugtong ito? Ewan. Basta.

And on that weird note, mag-aaral na uli ako.

Buntong-hininga

I have never felt more alone in my life than now.

Oo, maganda nga ang Amerika pero ... nakakapagod. And in many ways, nakakasawa rin.

Sa totoo lang, ngayon pa lang, nababaliw na ako sa ideyang sa loob lamang ng ilang linggo ay lalamig na naman ang panahon, hahaba na naman ang gabi, at wala na naman akong gagawin kungdi maglakad nang maglakad nang maglakad para lang ...

Ewan.

Basta, lakad lang ako nang lakad.

Kung minsan, gusto ko na lang may mangyari sa akin para makauwi na ako.

(Tak-an-tak-an run gid ako sa sangka lugar nga wara ako ti kilala. Kun may dyan man, tam-an man sanda kasaku sa andang mga pangabuhi. Daw gusto ko gani maggwa sa kalye kag magsinggit lang nga magsinggit. Indi gani mamuyayaw lang nga mamuyayaw. Kag ang singgitan ko ... ang buyayawun ko, akun man lawas. Ay ako man bay ang may gusto kadya.
Pero badwis ko man tana nga amo gali dya kasubu ang mangabuhi sa iban nga lugar.)

Maganda kung sa maganda ang Amerika. Dito, sobrang komportable ang buhay. Dito, ang dami-daming tao. Ang dami-daming bilihin. Ang dami-daming tanawin. Pero kung mag-isa ka lang, wala ring silbi ang pagkadami-daming tao, bilihin at tanawin. Nakakalungkot lang lalo.

At ...

Ayoko na lang munang ituloy ito. Naiiyak lang ako.

If only ...

I am trying, ever so desperately, to gain control of my life again.

The Outsider: Channeling my inner Shakespeare

Aspiring playwrights like myself have, time and again, gone through migraine-inducing episodes in the crafting of plays. For one, it truly is a challenge to come up with plots that are not only interesting but are also shining examples of logic. Good plays, my mentors never tire in reminding me, almost always follow a coherent pattern of cause and effect. Plot points move along seamlessly, grippingly and logically. One only has to read Aristotle’s “Poetics” to further comprehend the significance of this rule. And as if this were not enough, there is also the problem of creating characters. My exposure to theater has taught me that characters on stage should not only be interesting--otherwise audiences will start snoring through the performance--but should also be as believable and as motivated as the people we all meet everyday. And I found out years ago, of course, that the creation of reality on stage is one of the most difficult things to do.

At 37, I haven’t yet in my arsenal a collection of stories and characters that will successfully see me through the number of plays that I plan to write. So what does a migraine-plagued, aspiring playwright like myself do short of dropping out of school and diving carelessly into the world and drowning in its sinful pleasures? (The more sinful the characters, the more interesting they appear on stage.) Why, he turns to the masters of the trade, of course! And what better way of going about this than by studying the characters created by the greatest storyteller of all time, Shakespeare?

Just like the master, I have also, time and again, written about The Outsider in my plays. Shakespeare’s Shylock ("The Merchant of Venice"), Iago and Othello ("Othello"), among many characters, have taught me a lot in the creation of this particular kind of character. Let me explain why I believe these three are outsiders. Shylock is a Jew in a world filled with Christians. Iago is a character whose years of service are bypassed by his superior. He, therefore, is eased out to make way for someone else. Interestingly, Othello, the title character in the second play, is also an outsider. He is, after all, literally as black as the night in a world that is populated by people who are as luminous as daylight.

Now, how do these characters act in the environment that Shakespeare threw them in? Just like real people, Shylock, Iago and Othello merely re-act according to how their world treats (acts toward) them. Shylock, whose trade is detested by the Christians around him, learns to detest the people who also detest him. Iago, whose seniority is bypassed in favor of Cassio, unleashes a horrible web of lies that ultimately leads to several deaths, his own included. Othello, who is probably more conscious of his color than anybody else in the play, becomes a gullible pawn to Iago’s machinations and soon commits the evil crime that Iago carefully orchestrated.

On "The Merchant of Venice"

My heart bled for Shylock when he was forced by the Christians-in-power to denounce his Jewish-ness (his very soul, in other words) and embrace Christianity on penalty of death. This event resonates deeply in a person whose ancestors have gone through the same experience. As we all know, our animistic Filipino forebears were also forced by the Spanish conquerors to renounce their supposedly pagan beliefs and embrace Christianity. It is for this reason that I was able to relate to Shylock’s sarcastic commentary on Christian hypocrisy as well as his lines about “a lodg’d hate, and a certain loathing.”

I was also amused--in fact very, very amused--with the homosexual undertones of Antonio’s relationship with Bassanio. In many ways, I grieve for Antonio who, according to Harold Bloom in an essay in “Shakespeare: The Invention of the Human,” “lives for Bassanio and indeed is willing to die for him.” This, in a sense, is also something that The Outsider experiences as this kind of love cannot exist in a world that is devoutly Christian.

To me, there is actually much to like about Shylock. His love for his departed wife is a trait that the young lovers in the play should emulate. His devotion to his faith is also admirable as when he refused Bassanio’s invitation to dinner saying, “I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following: but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you.” I also found his response to the Duke (“What judgment shall I dread doing no wrong …”) logical and well thought-out. Comparisons to Harpagon in “The Miser” (stingy old widower loses wealth to own child) might come to mind but Shylock is definitely a better fleshed-out character as unlike Moliere’s comic protagonist, he actually has clear motives for behaving the way he does.

On the issue of plot, I am of the belief that the play’s resolution is realized at the expense of believability. I agree with Bloom when he indicated that the play’s ending is too contrived and too forced.

On "Othello"

Iago is one of Shakespeare’s most enigmatic, most interesting characters. He is the ultimate personification of hate. Jan Kott, in his essay on “The Two Paradoxes of Othello,” hit the nail on the head when he said, “Iago hates first, and only then seems to invent reasons for his hate.” Ever the devil’s advocate, I found many reasons to like Iago. For one, I like the fact that he strongly believes in will power, that other people can be molded like clay. Oh, to be God-like at some point in our lives! (“We cannot all be masters, nor all masters cannot be truly follow’d.”) And it is to his credit that even if his motive is a little weak, he still does have one for unleashing evil on the man who did him wrong. I also especially like the fact that Iago successfully accomplishes what he set out to do as not many of us get to do that in life. I therefore understand why toward the end of the play, he says and does nothing. After all, what is left for him to do? Also, the fact that he is all reality, as opposed to Othello who seems to belong to another world, makes me like Iago even more. He ably provides the perfect contrast to the character of Desdemona. He is unbelievably bad in the same manner that Desdemona is, in many ways, also unbelievably good. (She did exhibit a streak of rebelliousness when she went against her father’s wishes by marrying Othello but this happened before the start, therefore technically no longer a part, of the play.) Othello, on the other hand, does both a Iago and a Desdemona in the sense that he starts out really good but transforms and becomes just as bad as Iago toward the end of the play. Of course, unlike Iago, Othello undergoes a recognition scene thereby he is redeemed and elevated to the esteemed status of tragic hero.

About plot: in spite of the minor problem regarding Shakespeare’s parallel running of double time, he more than makes up for it by weaving a story that is not only tight and gripping but is also an excellent showcase of Aristotle’s rules on causality: every action produces an opposite and equal reaction.

And yes, lest I forget, I also exhibited a streak of Iago wickedness when I was very young. At the very tender age of four or five, I remember doing to helpless kittens what Iago describes in one of his speeches. I would take a number of these cute furry animals to the garden, bury them up to their necks and slowly, ever so slowly, start pouring water on them until they could no longer breathe. (“The weak do not deserve pity, they are just as abominable, only more stupid than the strong. The world is vile.”)

But unlike Iago, however, I stopped drowning kittens when I reached the wise old age of six. By then, I realized that the act of drowning them was abominably cruel and extremely immoral. (I was then already a kindergarten pupil in my province’s Christian center.) This change of heart, I believe, was the time when I ceased to become just another hateful and hated villain and actually became a character who can also be a hero sometimes.

And this, I’d like to believe, is what Harold Bloom was referring to when he talked about the invention of the human. In a world that places a high premium on morals, we do not readily do a Iago or a Shylock. We may entertain the idea of doing evil, yes, but we do not easily real-ize them. For to act them out thoughtlessly would only reduce us to the level of animals – unthinking, amoral, very much like "flies and spiders, spiders and flies."

And the fact that we don’t readily give in to our most evil desires makes us not just humans but humane humans. Of course, as I learned many years ago, humane humans are rarely interesting on stage. So indulge me when I wear my Iago and Shylock masks from time to time. But don’t worry. Because after putting on these masks, I still have one left in my trunk. The mask of Othello. The one that undergoes anagnorisis. The one that will make up for all my wickedness and in the end, humanize my character.

Now, if only I can grab hold of Shakespeare’s mask when I launch another migraine-inducing attempt to write another play.

Reklamo

Naiinis ako. Sa mundo. Sa sarili ko. Lalo na sa sarili ko.

What is wrong with me? What in God's name is freaking wrong with me?

Maayos naman ang itsura ko. Hindi kagwapuhan, pero hindi rin naman kapangitan. (At atin-atin lang pero nung tinitigan ko ang sarili ko kanina sa salamin, naging mas sigurado akong mas malapit ang itsura ko dun sa una kong ginamit na salita.)

Matangkad naman ako. At kahit sukat 32 inches na ang suot-suot kong damit panloob, sigurado pa rin akong tama lang ang timbang kong 185 pounds sa taas kong 5 feet, 11 inches.

Hindi rin naman ako tanga. At mabait rin naman ako. At hindi naman sa nagyayabang pero karamihan sa mga nilista kong gusto kong mangyari sa sarili ko lima, pitong taon na ang nakararaan e nangyayari naman.

Manalo ng ganito kadaming gan'to, at ganyan kadaming ganyan. Magkaroon ng ganito kalaking gan'to, at ganun kalaking ganyan. Makagawa ng ganito kaayos na gan'to, at ganyan kagandang ganyan.

Hindi rin naman ako mahirap pakisamahan. Kasi simple lang ako. Palatawa. Palakwento.

So what then is freaking wrong with me, why am I unhappy?

Why am I so freaking unhappy?

Why do I find myself staying up late at night desperately searching for names and pictures in God knows how many search engines in God knows how many internet sites? Why do I find myself web chatting with people I do not know and trying ever so desperately to make them like me?

Naman!

Nakakapagod.

Putang-ina sa edad tatlumpo at pito, nakakapagod!

It's been years since I last felt ... really, truly felt ... that someone likes me ... that someone really, truly likes me.

It's been freaking forever since I last felt head-over-tsinelas giddy about someone I really, truly like.

And I miss the freaking feeling!

I so want to be needed again.

Putang-ina pero ...

I want.

To be needed.

Again!

...

...

...

I used to be someone who is willing to drop everything--a dream office job, participation in a critically acclaimed play in the country's most important theater venue, attendance in a "You cannot be absent" meeting that could add more zeroes to my savings passbook, whatever--the moment I receive word that I am ... I am ... sorely ... needed--God, that freaking word again!--by that one special "I want to spend so many moments of my life with you" person.

Naman!

Sobrang putang-ina naman.

Ang tagal na!

At sana naman ... sana naman sa susunod na buwan e makilala ko na siya. Huwag naman sana taon dahil mababaliw na ako nun.

At mamahalin ko siya. Mamahalin ko talaga siya. Tatanggapin ang mga kahinaan niya.

Tutulungang maging mas mabuting tao siya.

Dahil marami na akong natutunan.

Dahil matagal na akong naghihintay.

Dahil mamahalin din niya ako at tatanggapin din niya ang mga kahinaan ko at tutulungan din niyang maging mas mabuting tao ako.

...

...

...

Sana.

...

...

...

Maghihintay lang ako.

Kung bakit matagal nang walang bagong entry ang blog na ito

Mga dahilan:

1. Naging abala ako ngayong bakasyon. Kung saan-saan ako nagpunta--New York, New Hampshire, Boston, New Jersey, Virginia--kaya madalas e pagod na pagod ako.

2. Magulo ang utak ko. Ang dami-dami ko kasing iniisip. At gustong ayusin.

3. Sa tagal ng panahong wala akong naikukwento rito e hindi ko na alam kung saan magsisimula.

4. Napagod ako sa kakasulat. Kaya nitong bakasyon, nagbakasyon din ako sa pakikipagbuno sa computer keyboard.

Haaaaaaaaaayyyyy!

Lunes ng madaling araw ngayon. Nasa New York ako, at mag-iisang buwan na ako rito. Maya-maya lang ay bibyahe na ako pabalik sa Washington, D.C. Magsisimula na kasi ang internship ko sa Signature Theatre sa Huwebes.

Sa susunod naman na Lunes e magsisimula na ang klase. Kasabay nito ang walang humpay na namang paghahanda para sa ikatlong beses kong pagsali sa Page-to-Stage New Play Festival ng Kennedy Center. (Ang dulang isinali ko ngayong taon ay ang aking thesis play na "The Death of Memory.")

Bukas ng umaga, kailangan ko nang ilipat ang mga gamit ko mula sa garahe ni Manang Nimfa (isang kaibigan at kababayan) sa Virginia pabalik sa apartment ko sa D.C.

Tapos hindi ko pa naaayos ang aking class schedule.

At naku, magsisimula na ang U.S. Open sa August 29 at kailangan kong manood.

Pero bago pala 'yon, kailangan ko munang pumunta sa Target sa Wheaton, Maryland para bumili ng mga gamit ko sa eskwela.

Kailangan ko ring makipag-usap sa academic adviser ko tungkol sa aking thesis play, at ASAP ito.

E hindi ko pa tapos basahin ang "Shakespeare: The Invention of the Human" ni Harold Bloom, pati na "Shakespeare" ni Michael Wood.

Tapos malapit nang manganak ang kapatid kong si Neneng. Kailangan kong magdasal!

At me Palanca awards night pa sa September 1. "Ang kapatid kong si Butch para sa English full-length play. Ang kapatid ko namang si Nonong para sa English one-act play."

Ilulunsad na rin ang pangalawa kong libro sa UST sa September 8. "Si Ma'am Luisa naman ng International Fellowships Program para sa aking author's speech."

Tapos ... tapos ...

Nasabi ko na bang ang gulo-gulo ng utak ko ngayon? Nasabi ko na? Ang dami-dami ko kasing iniisip e. At gustong ayusin. Kasi nga ... ang gulo. Gulo. Gulo ng. Utak. Ko gulo. Ang gulo ng. Utak ko ang. Gulo-gulo. Basta ang gulo-gulo!

Basta.

Basta.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

"Rite of Passage" at the CCP's "The Virgin LabFest"

Kasali ang dula ko sa pistang pandulaan na ito kaya matutuwa ako kung makanonood kayo.

The Cultural Center of the Philippines, Tanghalang Pilipino and Writers Bloc, in cooperation with the National Commission for Culture and the Arts, present "The Virgin Labfest" - a theater festival of untried/untested/unstaged/unpublished works, from June 9 to 12, 2005 at the CCP Tanghalang Huseng Batute. The festival showcases the premiere of eight plays penned by some of the country's award-winning and most promising playwrights.

On June 9 & 10 at 8PM is a trilogy about corrupted minds and crazed passions: Allan Lopez' "Anatomiya ng Pag-ibig" directed by John Victor Villareal, Elmar Ingles' "Serbis" directed by Tuxqs Rutaquio, and Eugene Evasco and Chris Martinez' "Ars Poetica" directed by Arlo de Guzman.

On June 11 at 3 & 8PM is a double feature about ethnicities and crossing borders: Debbie Tan's "Fate's Line" - a Filipino-Chinese play directed by Ana Valdes-Lim, and Glenn Mas' "Rite of Passage" - a Kinaray-a/Hiligaynon play directed by J. William Herbert Sigmund Go.

It's a Pink Day on June 12 at 3 & 8PM as three plays on gay empowerment are featured: Vincent de Jesus' "Ateng" directed by Phil Noble, Lani Montreal's "Sister-Outlaw" directed by Sigrid Andrea Bernardo, and J. Dennis Teodosio's "Si Geegee at si Waterina" directed by Roobak Valle.

Tanghalang Pilipino, the CCP's resident theater company, and Writers Bloc, an independent organization of established and promising playwrights that includes award-winners Rene O. Villanueva, Rody Vera and Nicolas Pichay in its ranks, spearhead the festival which aims to encourage Filipino playwrights to create new works and define new perspectives in contemporary Philippine drama. "The Virgin Labfest" is also a gathering of some of the country's most brilliant thespians from PETA, Gantimpala Theater, Dulaang U.P., Dulaang Talyer, Tanghalang Pilipino and Philippine Playhouse, to name a few. Tickets are at P100. For more details, please contact Tanghalang Pilipino at 832-3661, 832-1125 locals 1620/1621, 0928-250691 or the CCP Box Office at 832-3704.

"Red white and blue. Sugar and gin."

I was recently requested by Signature Theatre, one of Washington D.C.'s most progressive theater companies, to comment on Quiara Alegria Hudes's award-winning "Yemaya's Belly," a play it is developing for its upcoming season. A relatively new work, "Yemaya's Belly" was developed in 2002 at Brown University in workshop with Catholic University playwriting alumna and 1998 Pulitzer Prize winner for drama Paula Vogel. Here's what I wrote:

In many ways, reading and visualizing this play brought me home. And home is in the island of Panay in faraway Philippines. The play’s images--the gentle rubbing of aloe to soothe burned skin, the precise and perfectly timed hacking of newly harvested coconuts, the absence of electricity that makes every evening quiet and romantic, mysterious storytellers appearing from and disappearing into nowhere, men turning away to hide their grief--all seem familiar that they soon transported me to a time when dreams were all I had, and children can just march up to any counter and confidently announce that they will soon return and take over the store.

The play, Jesus’ coming of age, makes good use of rituals to string its images together. They range from the comic--as when Jelin uses Yemaya’s feather to touch, tickle and tease his nipples and crotch--to the heartbreaking-–as when Tico turns the coconut husk upside down over his head and rice grains pour down over his body, bathing him in his wife’s ashes. (“She is not ashes. She is rice. I’ll speak to her through the rice.”)

Aside from these, the play has many other memorable scenes that will surely translate well on stage – the domino games, Yemaya’s performance, Jelin and Jesus in the cemetery, the boat trip of Jesus (now Mulo) and Maya to America, the symbolic funerals just before the end of the play. Easily the most theatrical, however, therefore the most exciting, is the descent of Mulo into the bubble-and-blue-filled ocean floor. In this magical world, his dreams are realized, acted out by the people he most cares about. Yemaya’s story therefore comes to life and Mulo symbolically becomes one with his ancestors.

I greatly appreciate Hudes’s gift for crafting poetic, very musical, dialogue. Most exchanges are short, but the few times that she indulges her characters with slightly longer lines, she does so with such skill that the lines sound like arias.

The play begins and ends with the same childish rhyme--"Red white and blue. Sugar and gin. (My story begins.)"--therefore coming full circle. Jesus first uses it to introduce himself. When it is again used in the last scene, theatricality is heightened and the effect is disturbing; it is more deeply felt. In the scene, Mulo and Maya are given a glimpse of the realization of their dreams. They see, really far away, so far away one has to close one eye and squint the other to see it, the land called America. (“They heard us. Our mothers got us to America.”) But reality immediately sets in and the image of America is no more. Mulo and Maya repeat the rhyme, but without the third line, to invoke it again. They do this repeatedly, believing that doing so will bring back the vision. The play ends.

For Mulo and Maya, America. For me, no matter how difficult life is there, the island of Panay in faraway Philippines. After all, different people have different dreams. The island of Panay? It is so far away. It is so very far away that even if I close one eye and squint the other, I still cannot see it. But I cannot--should not--allow myself to think this way. So like Mulo and Maya, and the many other people who yearn for the realization of some thing, I also say, “Red white and blue. Sugar and gin.” And I repeat it. Again and again. Until I finally reach home. Where life is difficult, but everything is familiar.

My new friend

In a little over a month, I will again turn a year older. Thirty-seven. Thirty freaking seven! (To think that I still haven't actually gotten used to being thirty-six yet.) But like circumcision and nocturnal emissions where I ... don't really have a choice, right? Right. ... I will welcome thirty-seven and embrace it with my usual "OhmyGodbutofcourseIamhappy!" kind of enthusiasm.

Nocturnal ... nocturnal emissions, did I really just say that? Oh, my freaking ... It's a good thing my mother has no access to this. "Is that really my Bongbong talking about ... Maybe someone has access to his Blogspot account and wrote that for him, right?" Yeah right, 'Nay. The main characters in "In the Dark" and "Her Father's House," do you remember them? Uh-huh! They both do it with their fathers. And the boy in "Rite of Passage"? Uh-huh! He does it with a chicken. A hen yes, but still ... And I created these characters too, 'Nay. Hahahaha! (Seriously though, my mother is okay about these things. She has no choice, I guess. Like I have no choice about circumcision and ... I know. Your memory's fine. You're younger!)

Yesterday, I was at Books A Million in Dupont Circle to read the third Shopaholic installment--To forget about Shakespeare and Harold Bloom even if only for the summer! Ahh, bliss!--when I realized that I was the only one inside the bookstore without anyone hovering over me, groping me when no one is looking and calling me cupcake or something! Yup! The only one. Without anyone. Inside the whole freaking bookstore! And I will soon turn thiry-seven! Aaaaaahhhhh!

Hmmm ...

(Must be the fact that I drowned those pesky, whiny kittens when I was four, right? But I got a play and a Palanca out of that! Or the fact that I did it ever so willingly with someone whose name I can no longer recall when I was only fifteen. Fifteen, oh God! No wonder I am being punished!)

To be single! And alone! In Dupont Circle! In D.C.!

So I did the next best thing.

"Went to a bar and went home with someone?" Nope.

"Took the Metro and sat next to a really wasted one?" Nope.

"Called up an ex-lover in California and did one of those messy phone call things?" No! I will soon turn thirty-seven, remember? So I am beyond these things. Really! Lust? I laugh at lust! It's something I only write about now. For literary prizes!

So I went to the Books A Million children's section and bought ... tada! ... my first stuffed toy!

Yup! No need to clean your ears. I bought a five foot eleven, drop dead gorgeous ... Fine. I bought the first stuffed toy that I saw.

Then I went home, took it out of my bag, and slept ... while hugging it. Awwwww! But I really did!

And when I woke up the following morning, I looked at my sheets and ... tada! ... there was nothing there! No nocturnal whatever! Nothing! Boy, this stuffed toy idea is genius!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a bath with my new friend. We're going out, see? Back to Books A Million. See you!

Sa ngayon ...

... ito ang mga gusto ko sanang gawin.

1. Umuwi sa Antique at makipagkita kay Jasper, ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan.

2. Bumiyahe papuntang New York para muling makasama sina Bobot, Olga, May, 'Ta Madith at Chinky. (Hindi pa nga lang ako nakakalipat ng apartment dito sa D.C. kaya hindi pa ako makaalis-alis.)

3. At kahit napakaimposible nito, gusto ko rin sanang bumalik sa Sydney - nakapunta ako doon noong 1997 at 1999 - para makakwentuhan ang pamilya Javier.

4. Makasama sa isang bakasyon--'yong kaming dalawa lang--si Toto, ang bunso kong kapatid. Magkukwentuhan lang kami nang magkukwentuhan at magpapakabundat sa kung anu-anong mga pagkain.

5. Kumain ng tuyo, at ginisang kangkong, at bagoong, at pritong isda, at sinigang, at nilaga, at sotanghon, at laing, at kinilaw. Para sa mga pagkaing ito, handa akong talikuran ang pagpapapayat.

6. Magpakasawa sa kakanguya ng Chickenjoy sa Jollibee, at sa kakahigop ng batchoy sa Ted's sa Iloilo, at D'Reyeses at JRL sa Antique.

7. Sumabit sa mga gala nina Frank at Arthur, mga kaibigan ko sa teatro. Dati kasi e dinadaanan nila ako sa Los Banos at sinasama sa mga byahe nila sa Paete, San Pablo, Santa Cruz, Liliw, Pangasinan, Baguio ...

8. Makasama uli sa apartment at hotel room si Joy, ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan sa Makiling.

9. Makakwentuhang muli sina Dalyn, Jane, Belen at Stanley, mga kaibigan ko nung nag-aaral pa ako sa West Visayas State University sa Iloilo. Dahil sa kanila, naging mas masaya at mas makulay ang aking buhay-kolehiyo.

10. Makasama siya. Basta. Siya. Nang matagal-tagal na panahon.

11. Makasama uli si Eugene. At makumusta.

12. Bumalik sa Trappist Monastery sa Guimaras kasama si Ritchie. (Malabo na nga lang ding mangyari uli ito dahil sa New York na ngayon nakatira ang kaibigan ko.)

13. Muling makasama ang mga kaibigan kong sina Bonbon at 'To Ryan sa Anini-y, gayundin sina Glenn, Bonbon (ibang Bonbon naman ito) at Tulio sa Belison.

14. Magbasa ng mas marami pang mga libro sa Barnes and Noble sa Clarendon, at sa Books A Million sa Dupont Circle.

15. Makita na at mabasa ang pangalawa kong libro para sa U.S.T. Publishing House. (Nai-FedEx na raw ng kapatid ko ang kopya ko.)

16. Makausap ang nanay ko tungkol sa mga plano niya sa buhay.

17. Makasama ang mga kapatid ko kahit na walang okasyon.

18. Makita na at makalaro ang aking pinakaunang pamangkin. (Sa Setyembre pa manganganak ang pangatlo kong kapatid na si Neneng.)

19. Bumalik sa Paris--una akong nagpunta sa romantikong lugar na ito noong 1994--at maglibot nang maglibot doon. (Kakatapos ko lang kasing mapanood ang final season ng paborito kong "Sex And The City." At sa huling episode nito, dinala ni Aleksandr Petrovsky si Carrie Bradshaw sa Paris.)

20. Dumalo sa 2005 U.S. Open sa Flushing Meadows, New York para personal na mapanood sina Andy Roddick, Marat Safin, Rafael Nadal, Serena at Venus Williams, at Maria Sharapova. (Sana Agosto na ... sana Agosto na ... sana Agosto ...)

Pahinga naman muna

Sa wakas, pagkatapos ng apat na buwang pagpupuyat at walang katapusang pag-aaral, natapos din ang Spring 2005 academic term. Nitong mga huling araw, wala na 'kong ginawa kungdi humilata at matulog nang matulog. Paggising, kakain, magbabasa nang kaunti, maliligo, magbibihis, pupunta sa supermarket o kaya bookshop, uuwi, at matutulog uli. Hay, this is the life!

Kaninang hapon, natanggap ko na ang mga grado ko para sa semestreng ito. "A" pa rin lahat kaya natuwa ako. And getting straight A's is even more meaningful to me now dahil ito na, without a doubt, ang pinakamahirap kong semestre sa Amerika. Nagsimula kasi ito with a traumatic back injury noong Enero na naging dahilan para maranasan ko first-hand ang dati e napapanood ko lang sa palabas na Rescue 911 - ang mabuhat ng pitong nakaunipormeng asul na mga medics, ang isakay sa stretcher at ihatid ng ambulansya sa pinakamalapit na ospital. At bago ang finals week, natanggap ko nga ang balitang namatay na si Dean Fernandez. (A week after Dean died, namatay din si Kuya James, kasamahan ko dati sa Makiling. Cancer naman ang ikinamatay niya.) Depressed tuloy ako nitong mga huling araw.

But life goes on. Syempre. At sabi nga, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Sana nga. Sa tingin ko kasi, mahina ako. Madaling umiyak, madaling mataranta, madaling matakot. Buti na lang at may mga kaibigan ako. Konti lang sila pero tunay ko silang maaasahan kapag kailangan na.

Sa mga susunod na araw, bibiyahe na ako papuntang New York para magliwaliw at gumala nang gumala. Magpakaturista ba. Pipila sa Times Square para sa discounted Broadway tickets ... magpuyat kasama nina Olga, Bobot at May ... maglakad nang maglakad sa Central Park, sa Greenwich Village, sa 5th Avenue ... makipag-usap sa malutong na Kinaray-a kina Chinky at 'Ta Madith ... tumambay buong araw sa Virgin Records at Barnes and Noble ... kumain, makipagkwentuhan, makipagtawanan.

Kaya nga matutulog na ako ngayon. Kasi sa New York, hindi pwede. Nakakahiya. Sayang ang oras. Sabi nga kasi, it's the city that never sleeps. Kaya ... hanggang dito na lang muna. Kailangan ko pa kasing mag-ipon ng maraming, maraming tulog.

Ho-hum!

Hidlaw

Umambon kanina. Malamig ang panahon kaya dumeretso ako sa Pryzbila Center, ang karaniwang tambayan ng mga estudyante sa Catholic University. Pumili ako ng sopa, humiga at natulog nang mahimbing. (Sana hindi ako humilik.) Halos tatlong oras din akong natulog.

Paggising ko, tumila na ang ulan kaya may mga naglalaro na ng frisbee sa harap ng center. Bumangon ako at bumili ng Coke at Combos na lasang pizza sa convenience store sa loob ng building. Bumalik ako sa sopa at tahimik na pinanood ang pagtalon at pagtakbo ng mga kamag-aral ko.

Tuwing may magbubukas ng pinto ng building, pumapasok ang lamig kaya nanginginig ako. Naisip ko, ganitong mga panahon masarap kumain ng tuyo at mainit na kanin sa Antique. O kaya e maglakad-lakad sa Binirayan Hills na malapit lang sa bahay namin, bumili ng Coke at banana cue, tapos umupo sa grandstand sa gilid ng Evelio Javier gymnasium. At doon, habang nginunguya ang masarap na banana cue at dahan-dahang nilalagok ang malamig na Coke, ay walang sawa kong titingnan ang kagandahan ng tanawing La Granja.

Hidlaw na ako sa Antique. Kaya lang, tumawag ako kelan lang kay Jasper (ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan) at sabi niya e napakainit ng panahon ngayon doon.

Tag-araw nga naman kasi.

Kaya siguro sa unang pagkakataon, at pagkatapos ng ilang araw ng pagdadalamhati, masaya na rin ako sa ideyang nasa Amerika ako ngayon kung saan malamig ang panahon. Kahit pa walang banana cue. Kahit pa walang tanawin tulad ng La Granja.

Basta ba me Coke. Solb na 'ko dun.

At saka ako dumighay. Sarap!

Kay Dean

Salamat. Para po sa tiwala at mga payo, mga biro at pangungulit, tawa at tuwa.

Pasensya naman po sa (sana e kokonting) mga pagkakataong nagtampo kayo sa amin.

Salamat din po sa mga hapong pinatawag n'yo ako sa inyong opisina para kumustahin at kwentuhan ng kung anu-ano - mga aral sa buhay, kahalagahan ng pamilya at pag-aaral, kahalagahan ng sining, pagpapahalaga sa taong minamahal.

Salamat din po dahil sa maraming paraan, naging parang tatay ko kayo. (Ilang ulit na nga ba akong umiyak tuwing napapag-usapan natin ang tungkol sa mga hinanakit at mga tatay? Hindi na ata mabilang, ano po?)

At tama kayo, Dean. Mahirap ngang mag-aral sa ibang bansa. Ang lungkot-lungkot dahil malayo sa mga kaibigan at mga bagay na nakasanayan na. Pero kahit mahirap, pilit kong inaayos ang lahat dahil hindi ba 'yon ang sabi ninyo? Kaya nga hindi ko kayo nakaliligtaang padalhan ng kopya ng mga grado ko tuwing katapusan ng semestre. (Pa'no na po 'yon ngayon?)

Noong nakaraang Lunes, tuwang-tuwa sana ako dahil sinabihan ako ng propesor ko na ako ang nakakuha ng pinakamataas na grado sa klase n'ya. Pero ilang minuto lang pagkatapos n'yang sabihin 'yon e natanggap ko ang mensahe ni Joy at sabi, wala na nga raw po kayo.

Naku po, Dean ...

Hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako. Noong Lunes nga e tinawagan ako ni Joy pero hindi ko sinagot ang tawag n'ya. At hanggang ngayon, ayoko pa ring tumawag kahit kanino, lalo na at taga-Makiling. Natatakot kasi ako sa magiging iyak ko.

Para sa maigsing panahon na nakilala ko kayo, maraming, maraming salamat po.

Hinding-hindi ko kayo makalilimutan.

Matatagalan pa bago uli ako aakyat sa Makiling. Ayoko po kasing madaanan ang inyong opisina, at makitang wala na kayo doon.

Dean ...

Hidlaw na po ako sa inyo.

Lagi,
Glenn

Kung bakit wala akong naisusulat nitong mga huling araw

Namatay kelan lang si Dean Honrado Fernandez, executive director ng Philippine High School for the Arts.

(Akala ko pa mandin matatagalan pa bago uli ako iiyak nang sobra-sobra.)

"Queens on Fire"

Kakatapos ko lang manood ng "Queens on Fire" concert nina Pops Fernandez at Regine Velasquez sa D.C. Armory Stadium. Nakakatuwa kasi wala naman akong planong manood ng palabas na ito. Napakamahal naman kasi ng tiket. Mantakin mong $48 ang pinakamura! At para sa isang estudyanteng tulad ko na wala namang ibang mapagkukuhaan ng pera maliban sa kanyang scholarship allowance, isang tunay na luho ang manood ng mga palabas na ganito. Buti na lang at choreographer ng concert ang kaibigan kong si Val. (Nagsama kami sa dulang "Ang Kuripot/The Miser" sa Cultural Center of the Philippines ilang taon na ang nakararaan.) Mga alas kwatro ng hapon nung tinawagan ako ni Val at sinabihang nasa D.C. daw siya, at meron siyang walong complimentary tickets na pwedeng ibigay sa akin. (At sa mga upuang pang-$100 pa ang mga tiket na ito.) Sa tuwa ko, nakalimutan ko bigla ang aking mga gawain para sa eskwela! Humahanga kasi ako sa galing ni Regine. (Sa katunayan, karamihan sa mga CD na dinala ko dito sa D.C. e koleksyon ng mga kanta niya.) Kaya 'yon. Mabilis akong naligo, nagbihis at tumakbo sa pinakamalapit na Metro station.

Sa tulong ni Manang Julie (isa ko pang kaibigan na taga-Virginia naman), mabilis kong nahanap ang D.C. Armory Stadium. At pagdating ko sa venue, nagulat ako dahil puno na ito ng mga naghihiyawang mga Pilipino. Lahat tagahanga nina Pops at Regine, at ng bagong mang-aawit na si Erik Santos. Maayos naman ang palabas. Magaling pa rin si Regine, at okey din ang performance ni Pops. Sa katunayan, nung huli nilang kanta e tumayo talaga ako at nakiindak sa ibang mga manonood.

Nakakatuwa. Pakiramdam ko kasi nasa Folk Arts Theater lang ako. Na pagkatapos ng concert, lalabas ako at Roxas Boulevard ang bubulaga sa akin. Pero paglabas ko ng D.C. Armory Stadium, malamig na hangin ng Washington D.C. ang sumalubong sa akin. Hay, buhay!

Nung pauwi na ako, puro mga Pilipino ang nakasabay ko sa Metro train. Kay iingay nila. At ang dami-dami nilang sinasabi tungkol sa napanood na palabas. Na magaling pala talagang kumanta si Regine pero hindi pala ganun kagaling mag-adlib. Na seksi pa rin pala si Pops kahit dadalawa na ang mga anak niya. Na mas masaya sana ang palabas kung mas kilalang mga awit ang kinanta ng dalawa. Na ang cute-cute pala ng baguhang si Erik Santos. At kung anu-ano pa. Tawa sila nang tawa. At kay lakas-lakas ng mga tawa nila. Nung bandang huli, nakitawa na rin ako. Napansin kasi nila ako at sinali sa kanilang kulitan.

At sa pagkakataong iyon, habang nakikipagtawanan ako sa mga kapwa ko Pilipino sa loob ng D.C. Metro train, hindi ko masyadong naramdaman na wala pala ako sa Pilipinas.

And for one brief moment, while traversing the train track from the D.C. Armory Stadium to Metro Center, I really, truly felt I was home.

Si Glenn

Bibihirang mangyari (sa kaso ko) na nagugustuhan ko bilang kaibigan ang isang kapangalan. Pero nangyari ito nito lang.

Nasa Los Angeles ako noong unang linggo ng Pebrero (para mag-launch ng aking unang libro doon) nang may matanggap akong invitation sa Friendster. Galing kay Glenn. Taga-Antique. Nagtapos ng high school sa Antique National School.

Kilala ko siya, syempre. Taga-Antique rin kasi ako. At nagtapos rin ng high school sa Antique National School. Kaya tinanggap ko ang invitation.

Pagbalik ko sa Washington D.C., agad ko siyang tinawagan at nagkita agad kami sa Dupont Circle, paborito kong puntahan dito sa D.C. Natuwa ako nung nakausap ko siya. Wika ko, mabait. At napakarami naming pagkakahalintulad.

Editor-in-chief ako ng Madia-as (school paper ng Antique National School) noong kapanahunan ko. Ganun din si Glenn. Nagtapos akong me honor sa Antique National School noong 1985. Si Glenn, ganun din noong kapanahunan niya. Lagi akong tumatambay sa Belison, isang bayan sa Antique, kapag umuuwi ako sa amin. Taga-Belison si Glenn. Marami akong mga naging kaibigan sa Belison. Karamihan sa mga naging kaibigan ko sa Belison, mga kaibigan din at kababata ni Glenn. Nagturo ako ng Malikhaing Pagsulat sa Makiling at marami sa aking mga naging estudyante ay nagpatuloy ng pag-aaral sa Diliman. Ilan sa aking mga naging estudyante sa Makiling ay mga kaibigan ngayon ni Glenn. Si Mary Ann na taga-Antique rin at kasalukuyang nasa Texas ay naging kamag-aral ko hindi lamang sa Antique National School kungdi maging sa West Visayas State University sa Iloilo. Ang ate ni Glenn ay kabarkada at kaklase ni Mary Ann sa high school. Nasa Washington D.C. ako ngayon on an international writing fellowship. Si Glenn ay namalagi rin sa Washington D.C. on an international writing fellowship.

Maliban dito, pareho kaming mahilig sa mga dula (pinanood namin dito ang "The Laramie Project" at "The Goat or Who is Sylvia"), pelikula (pareho kaming nilibre ni Manang Julie sa "Million Dollar Baby" at nagustuhan naming lahat ito), musika (pareho naming gusto ang "Walang Hanggang Paalam" ni Joey Ayala), at pagkain (kapag may pagkakataon, nagpapakabundat kami sa China Cafe sa Dupont Circle).

Tuwang-tuwa ako kay Glenn. Pakiramdam ko, nakatagpo ako ng kapatid. (Malaking tulong din na pareho kaming matatas magsalita sa Kinaray-a, ang wika ng mga Antiqueno.)

Masaya na sana ako. Pero yon nga lang, noong isang linggo, umuwi na sa Pilipinas ang aking bagong kaibigan. Dadalo siya sa kasal ng kanyang kuya (na gaganapin sa Antique, syempre) at doon muna siya sa Maynila makikipagsapalaran uli.

Nalungkot ako. Syempre. At kapag ako ay nalulungkot, umiiyak talaga ako. Na para bang hindi na kami magkikitang muli ng kaibigan ko. Nasanay kasi akong laging iniiwan. Ng tatay ko. Ng mga kaibigan ko. Ng mga taong minahal ko.

Pero sana naman hindi. Kasi bibihira nga na nagugustuhan ko bilang kaibigan ang isang kapangalan. Ang Dupont Circle? Hindi na muna ako tumatambay doon. Kahit pa gustung-gusto ko na sana uling kumain sa China Cafe. Kahit pa gustung-gusto ko na sana uling tumingin-tingin sa mga libro sa Books A Million. Kung hanggang kelan ko magagawa ito, hindi ko alam.

Ang alam ko lang, mga ilang araw na, hidlaw na ako sa kaibigan ko.

Panic!

I am so sleepy. I stayed up all night at the university's computer center and I wish I could go home now. I can't though. Or at least not yet. It's raining outside. Which is strange. It doesn't usually rain at this time of the year. But I guess experiencing strange things is not so ... well ... strange anymore. Like I am soon moving out of my apartment. Just for the summer. Can't afford the rent. Again, just for the summer. And I find that strange. No, not the 'can't afford the rent this summer' thing. Just the moving out. And then moving in again. In the same room.
I'll be in New York in May. Broadway! And fun with my friends there! Then D.C. in June to attend Ford Foundation's worldwide conference on Leadership for Social Justice. Then New Hampshire in July to join a theater workshop. Then school opens again in August. Argh! And I'm not even done with my requirements for this semester yet! I am doomed. Aaaaaahhhhhhh!